The Story Thus Far...

Admiral Jonathan Ludwig Senior
04.13.3001

I have received the first report from 1st Mate Richard Beck on the S.S. Liberace's exploits thus far into its maiden voyage. Though it hasn't exactly been exemplary, at the very least no one is dead...yet. Given my son's past and his inexperience as a commander of a UIN vessel, I should be glad that the ship and the crew for the most part are still whole.

1st Mate Beck's writing style leaves something to be desired. I counted no less than fifteen words that would give it an NC-17 rating. As well, I am forced to blatantly ignore some of his suggestions for improvement. Eradicating the planet of Mirald Prime with a photon bomb wouldn't sit will with the UIN Council. Plus, though at times I myself would have liked to jettison my son out a port hole, I don't feel it would be appropriate to do so while he is encased in lime green gelatin.

Things started out simply enough with the christening of the S.S. Liberace. I would have attended myself, but knowing my son, Johnny Junior, it could only lead to another scuff mark on my reputation. Given Beck's description of the attire my son chose to wear – an outfit Beck described as a mesh between a 1970s circa pimp and General Custard – I'm glad I wasn't there for that photo op.

Then the voyage began with a detour - a little off mission stop at Chinook Delta. Chinook Delta is an outpost most known for its liberal view on carnal pleasures and its delicious Philly Cheese Steaks. Not that I know personally. It's something I heard from a friend.

God knows what debacle Johnny Junior got into at Chinook Delta, but luckily the voyage continued with out any public incidences.

Thereafter, Beck reported some issues involving damage to his personal property. He was hazy on exactly what was damaged, or even how, but he wasn't vague on his anger.

"Whoever invaded my personal domain should be gutted, and then choked to death by their own intestines."

I wasn't sure if this was a serious problem that should be addressed or not. Then I looked at the date of the occurrence and realized it was April Fool's Day, a day my son often claims should be made an official Intergalactic holiday. Given the other odd things that occurred that day, including the annihilation of Corinthian satellites, I have no doubt my son's fingerprints were all over that mess.

I was much surprised to hear about how Johnny Junior personally piloted through an asteroid field. Thinking back to all the trouble I had just trying to teach him how to parallel park a hover car, it's difficult to believe that he could maneuver a ship with such skill. Apparently Beck was just as dumbfounded.

"No disrespect Admiral, but when Commodore Ludwig piloted through that asteroid field I nearly sucked my uniform up my anus and crapped it back out again,"

Beck's quite the colorful linguist.

Oh, and I'm not too sure about this "Commodore" nonsense. It makes me wonder if he's walking around with a feather in his cap and a giant parrot on his shoulder.

Finally, Beck described the crew's first away mission, something I tried to make as simple and safe as possible. Wouldn't you know it, three of the six members of the mission were afflicted in some way, my son included. Beck encountered his own problems, stating he would have sent his report earlier if his injuries would have allowed. He didn't specify what harm had come to him, but I noticed an expense report for Viagra 23 filled out by Beck. His reason for the purchase was "latent results of his wounds."

On the whole I should be glad my son didn't create a paradoxical anomaly in the space time continuum that would have destroyed life as we know it. That's my therapy. I think the worse, and then the nut-job antics of my son don't seem so bad. I tried drinking my woes away every time he screwed up, but I showed up to too many of Johnny's misconduct meetings snookered off my ass. Still, he is my son, and I do love him, as any Father should. We'll just have to see how things progress and hope he doesn't inadvertently fly the ship into a super nova.