Mirald Prime, Team Harriet. Part 1/4

Mission Report. Chief of Communications, Mao Ling. 04.10.3001

Mission Code Name: Harriet

I am making the Mission Report because 1st Mate Beck is incapable of doing so due to ailments sustained during the mission. At this time he is completely paralyzed and is unable to either manually enter the report, or dictate it as the computer can not understand the garble that comes out of his mouth.

Our objective was to study the Mirald Prime rainforest. Extraordinary discoveries have been made in the vast ecosystem on the planet. There is also a fabled Pygmalion species rumored to dwell in the rainforest. It is said that they have an advanced knowledge and intelligence, though our primary objective was to study the fauna and wildlife. Dr. Leary, 1st Mate Beck and I entered the forest to collect samples. In order to cover a wider range of geography, we separated in three different directions, keeping in touch by communicator.

After a half hour I received a transmission from Dr. Leary that he had found something unusual. Actually his exact words were, "A man is big at six by six, but I found me a tribe of tiny pricks. They're four by four and not an inch more. They have to be the men of lore. They say their friend, but if they take my head, please bury me with the Grateful Dead." He said nothing more and did not respond to my own transmissions.

While following the homing signal of his communicator, I later found it abandoned in the forest with no visual sign of the Doctor. However, I heard in the distance the chanting of many voices and the beating of drums. Pursuing the sound, I discovered a group of ten to twelve small men sitting in a circle around what looked like a large wooden idol of a frog. They were all of dark complexion, black hair, adorned with various face paintings and wearing only a leather loin cloth. I estimated them to be about four feet tall.

Amid the group sat Dr. Leary. He himself was without his uniform, sitting only in his underwear. Otherwise he appeared unharmed.

I decided to hide in the outlying brush and keep my presence unknown as the Pygmy men didn't seem to be a threat to the Doctor. If they were the Pygmies of myth, I did not want to ruin this rare opportunity to observe them and this unusual ritual.

As they chanted, they passed a live, yellow and green frog from one man to another until it reached the Doctor. Then he did something I did not expect. He placed the frog in his mouth.

Being a linguist, I was able to translate the chant to mean something like:

Good Food
Good Grog
Be a Chap
And pass the Frog

Suddenly, from the other side of the clearing, I heard Beck's voice yell out, "No member of my crew is going to be humiliated and tortured by a bunch of derelict dwarves." 1st Mate Beck broke from the forest firing wildly with a non-issue vaporizer. Luckily those little guys were quite spry. The only thing Beck managed to hit was the wooden frog idol. It instantly went up in flames.

The Pygmies didn't take to kindly to that. Before I knew what happened, Beck was hit by several blow darts. Apparently poisoned, he was instantly paralyzed – stiff as a board.

At this point I abandoned my position to see if I could quell the situation. I don't think they've seen a female in quite some time because there was much to-do behind their loin cloths. Suddenly forgetting the situation and letting my female ego get the best of me I said, "If you think you're getting anywhere with those shrimp egg rolls you've got another thing coming."

Apparently they haven't heard a Chinese accented voice box before because they jumped back squawking, "Pooladoolafukaroola". As best as I could tell it meant, "Devil in the guise of an ethereal goddess." Or something along those lines.

Not wanting to know how a mythical Pygmy exercises a demon, I grabbed the Doctor – who still had the frog in his mouth – and we both carried the catatonic Beck out of there.