Personal Log. Commodore's Liaison, Jean Sprat. 05.08.3001Part 3
Funny fact, Yo-Yo Ma runs like a girl, but oddly enough the erratic flailing of the arms and hips was the perfect form for dodging through alien tentacles and hump-backs. I chased after the little man with the intent of jamming my crumb cake fork up his nose, but I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I wasn't gaining. So I tried another tactic.
"Stop you little freak!"
It didn't seem to be working.
"When I get a hold of you, I'm going rip off your dong and staple it to you forehead."
I don't normally use the word "dong". It's something I picked up from Johnny Junior.
"Your balls are mine Yo-Yo dip-shit."
That one probably came from 1st Mate Beck.
"I'm going to take this fork and jam it where the sun doesn't shine."
I'm proud to say that one was all mine. Unfortunately my tirade wasn't waning on his spirit like I'd hoped. If I wasn't mistaken we had just passed by the same Fondernuke (a blubbery creature with slimy skin who passes gas out its mouth much like a hippo) for the second time and were running in circles. It was time for another useless strategy.
"Hey. Hey little guy. I promise I won't hurt you. I just want to talk."
The red-headed Yo-Yo Ma skidded to a stop. Who would have seen that coming? In the back of my mind I thought this may be a trick and stopped myself. He looked at me cautiously, as I did him.
"Really? You promise you won't hurt me?"
What a moron, I thought. Could this idiot really be the same man that flip-flopped the X and Y chromosomes? I slowly advanced towards him.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to do anything but talk. Come on, buddy. Let's go back to the cafe and chit-chat over a cappuccino."
Yo-Yo seemed to consider this for a moment.
"I don't believe you," he said and took off again.
I was getting tired of this. Winding up I chucked the crumb cake fork and nailed him right in the ass. A normal man would have been able to sustain such a wound and keep on going, but like I said, he ran like a girl. The injury to that part of his anatomy threw off his entire flailing equilibrium. He grabbed at his skewered cheek, hobbled for a few steps on one leg, then tumbled to the floor. I was on him in seconds, grabbing him by his collar and pulling him up to my face.
"All right string-plucker. Time to talk. Why the hell did you abduct me and hook me up with a beef log?"
"Uh – uh – I don't know what you are talking about. Could you please pull out the fork?"
"Trust me you don't want me to do that. I pull it out and I'll stick it someplace much more unpleasant. Now you know who I am. Five years ago you abducted me and changed me into a man. My name is Jean Spratt, and I want my ovaries back."
Yo-Yo Ma stared at me in shock. He shook his head. I expected him to spew out another denial of his involvement and was ready to twist off his balls.
"You are not the real Jean Spratt."
Ok, I didn't expect that.
"Stop you little freak!"
It didn't seem to be working.
"When I get a hold of you, I'm going rip off your dong and staple it to you forehead."
I don't normally use the word "dong". It's something I picked up from Johnny Junior.
"Your balls are mine Yo-Yo dip-shit."
That one probably came from 1st Mate Beck.
"I'm going to take this fork and jam it where the sun doesn't shine."
I'm proud to say that one was all mine. Unfortunately my tirade wasn't waning on his spirit like I'd hoped. If I wasn't mistaken we had just passed by the same Fondernuke (a blubbery creature with slimy skin who passes gas out its mouth much like a hippo) for the second time and were running in circles. It was time for another useless strategy.
"Hey. Hey little guy. I promise I won't hurt you. I just want to talk."
The red-headed Yo-Yo Ma skidded to a stop. Who would have seen that coming? In the back of my mind I thought this may be a trick and stopped myself. He looked at me cautiously, as I did him.
"Really? You promise you won't hurt me?"
What a moron, I thought. Could this idiot really be the same man that flip-flopped the X and Y chromosomes? I slowly advanced towards him.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to do anything but talk. Come on, buddy. Let's go back to the cafe and chit-chat over a cappuccino."
Yo-Yo seemed to consider this for a moment.
"I don't believe you," he said and took off again.
I was getting tired of this. Winding up I chucked the crumb cake fork and nailed him right in the ass. A normal man would have been able to sustain such a wound and keep on going, but like I said, he ran like a girl. The injury to that part of his anatomy threw off his entire flailing equilibrium. He grabbed at his skewered cheek, hobbled for a few steps on one leg, then tumbled to the floor. I was on him in seconds, grabbing him by his collar and pulling him up to my face.
"All right string-plucker. Time to talk. Why the hell did you abduct me and hook me up with a beef log?"
"Uh – uh – I don't know what you are talking about. Could you please pull out the fork?"
"Trust me you don't want me to do that. I pull it out and I'll stick it someplace much more unpleasant. Now you know who I am. Five years ago you abducted me and changed me into a man. My name is Jean Spratt, and I want my ovaries back."
Yo-Yo Ma stared at me in shock. He shook his head. I expected him to spew out another denial of his involvement and was ready to twist off his balls.
"You are not the real Jean Spratt."
Ok, I didn't expect that.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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